Friday, April 8, 2011

Weather Anchors, Global Warming, and Death in the Afternoon

 A crazy gas mask-ed man walks into a news studio during a live news weather broadcast:

I am tired of beautiful women like you making the weather "nice" the gas mask-ed man yells.  Always pity and regret and apologies when it is a winter storm, sorrows and tears when it is too hot, and only once in a blue moon when the weather is actually correct is there a genuine smile and a rather dim one tainted by so much toxin from the vapid abortive mellow prosaic airs of your spirit.  Who the hell wants to experience weather like that?  I want bone chilling cold spoken with a straight austere hard face, I want blistering hot followed by a "hell yeah I'm a sun worshiper" followed by the untimely death of 42 old lonely grey widows from heat exhaustion.  I want smog reports, pictures of grimy city air filled with destructive toxins.  I want acid rain reports, the number of statues destroyed and city budgets allocated to the repair acid rain damage.  And I want ozone layer holes and depletions reported so everyone knows how where to find extra-special radioactive sun licks.

I want reality, not a mellow prosaic monotonous 70 degree fair-n-height-ed tepid luke warm pleasant banal probe.  Damn you for covering up global warming and this big conspiracy with aliens high-jacking the minds of people like Rush Limbaugh (who, by the way, was ordered by the EPA and The Eco-Conscious Scientist League by authority of The Supreme Court, to plant a fir tree in his broadcasting studio and forced to sniff pine needles before every news broadcast by a Green Earth Patriot Task Force Member) who don't believe in global warming either because the aliens use their technology to cool the planet synthetically and this reality-fact provides them ample leverage, due to Limbaugh's sharp intuition, to mind control this infamous radio anchor.

Or he could be a grey alien hybrid himself - a device used to create mind turbulence disorder among the masses on earth to swirl them every which way; within strict intergalactic guidelines of course - knowing that the world is not in jeopardy whilst us humans do not know this and thus find ourselves baulking and unable to make a decision, to assess the situation, determine who are hybrids and who are not, and determine how to stop global warming, and then move forward.
 But look at you you little wench, stuck on zombie slave hypnotic emission mode making mindless corpses out of your viewers, and you, feeling all bella linda and chic don't realize what a bore you have become and what a caged unicorn you be.  And I can't take this any more and need to rage like a hurricane with sound and fury to get to the bottom of This of things.
The gas mask-ed man then proceeded to pull out a gun and unloaded three rounds into the news anchor bosom chest killing her in cold blood after an ear wrenching shriek licked broke shattered the air in the studio upon her seeing the naked barrel of the gun.  The man then overcome by heinous hideous abominable laughter hardly able to hold the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.  He fell to the ground and flopped around like a fish out of water momentarily then fell still as blood pooled around his gore-ified head.

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